Early for Fathers Day

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Father's Day is not until this Sunday, but it is heavily on my mind today. Not so much the day itself, but the significance of fatherhood as a whole. This is possibly because even though I am a father of three now, the day makes me think primarily of my father, and what he taught me, gave me, and how much I miss him. He has been gone for almost ten years now, yet Father's Day is the one day that has not gotten easier for me. It is even more difficult to handle then his birthday, christmas, and the aniversary of his death. So, today I will honor my Father with this blog, and maybe it will help me to discover why Father's Day is so hard for me.

In the first few years after his death, I was filled with regrets. I regreted not spending more time with him, not listening more to him, and for some of the things that I said or did to him. I regreted not appreciating him like I should of when he was here. I regretted not telling him that I loved him everytime we spoke. With time, regrets like this begin to disapear. The bad memories go away, and it is easier to see the escense of a great man, and a great life. Was he perfect? No absolutly not, nobody is. Did he make mistakes? Of course he did, as everybody does. Did he love his family with everything he had? No Question.

I remember going through his closet when I was older, and still seeing alot of the same suits and belts and ties that he used when I was kid. They were still in great condition, because of the care he put into them, but they were the same. He didnt keep these cloths because of his affection for them. Like anyone, Im sure he craved newer threads, the latest fashions. He had the same cloths because he would rather spend the money on us. I can remember Mother Days or Christmas's where my mom would open package after package, until an entire new wardrobe appeared. He had a talent that I struggle everyday to learn, that is putting the family before the self.

As I mentioned earlier, bad regrets eventually go away, but they get replaced by new ones. Well, maybe regret is not the right word, maybe anguish fits better. I wish he would have gotten to meet my beautiful wife, they would have been fast friends. I wish he would have gotten the chance to be Grandpa Joe. I just know he would have made such a perfect Grandpa. I hate it that I cannot pick up the phone and tell him how his beautiful grandkids are doing, learning, and what they are going through. I cant ask for his advice, on how to handle tantrums, or organize finances. All I have is the memory and reflection of what he taught me while I thought I wasnt paying attention.

I think Fathers day teaches me how lucky I am. Lucky, to have been raised by such a cool dude. Lucky, to have have three beautiful kids. Lucky, to be able to use what he taught me to help me turn them into responsible happy adults. The most important factor is patience. My father never gave up on me. Even when I was going through some terrible teenage years, and we did not get along, he never gave up on me. I think that he saw me as a lump of coal that would eventually turn into a diamond. He could see beyond the present situation and realized that it is the end result and not the process that matters. I just wish he was here to see the diamond that he created, and the 4 diamonds (Eliza, my niece included) that will eventually shine brighter then the sun!

Finally, when I reflect on Father's Day I think of fatherly love that I recieved from some one who is not my father, he is my Uncle. On the day my dad died, I told my Uncle Bob that i was going to need his help, that I didnt think I was ready to take on the world without a man like my father to help me. He said of course he would, and has not once let me down since. He did not replace my father, nor would he ever want to. What he did was pick up where his brother left off, and finished the job. He has been there for me step by step, and I love him with everything i have. I am so thankful for him, and even though I lost my dad, I am so lucky to have an uncle who I know could not love me more. He and Aunt Sanny also have such a beautiful relationship with our kids. There is mutual love and admiration there.

This Father's Day I honor the great man that Joe T. was and is, the great Brother and Uncle that Bob T. is.... from the man who is constantly aspires to their greatness.