The Long Road Within

"The Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with One Step" - Lao Tzu

It has been a very interesting few days since my last blog. A lot has gone on since my "life altering" experience at the grocery store. It seems to me, that after the euphoria of such an event, a trial of your faith is soon to follow. Almost like there is some force of negativity trying to make you doubt your intentions to change. Or is there a positive force, trying to make sure you are ready to change? Whatever it is, my resolve has definitely been tested, but my will has not been broken.

I will not bore you with the details of why I had a couple of bad days. I will tell you that the main cause of the pain, was self doubt. As the Author Sylvia Plath wrote, “And by the way, everything in life is writable about you if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." This is what happened to me, I started to doubt myself and my intentions and and for a moment lost the inner creativity that makes me who I am.

I have often in my life gone through stages of self doubt or self loathing. I start to think that I am inferior in some way because I do not do things as I perceive others would do them. I start to search the T.V., books, the Internet or my day to day interactions with others, for the perfect way to live. My false thinking is that if another person is so happy and content, and I live just like they do, I will likewise be content and happy. The problem with this is that my self doubt kicks in and tells me that I am not doing it correctly. I am not able to live up to this perfect image I have projected in my mind. This always leads to an overwhelming sense of failure, and ultimately I lose touch with my true self.

What I am beginning to discover is that I do not truly understand who I really am. And, because I don't understand myself I don't trust myself with my own life decisions. Thus, I search for answers from others. My first step to reaching this inner peace I mentioned in my last blog, must then be to get inside myself and figure out what makes me tick. What are the things that I truly value? What are the things that I most fear? What are the things that are inside me that I don't want anyone to know about? What are the things inside me that I want to tell the world? These are the private questions (well at least private answers) that I must search for. I know the process wont be easy or always pleasant, but will definitely be worth it. After all how can I help my children figure out who they are, if I can't tell them how I did it.

"The greatest explorer on this earth never takes voyages as long as those of the man who descends to the depth of his heart". ~Julien Green

When I started to this blog, I thought that it would be a fun place to broadcast our crazy family, and put out pictures of the kids for the grandparents. I had no intention to get so deep or philosophical with it. What I have discovered though, is the great liberation I feel when I share my struggles and inner battles with the world. This blog is my first step to self discovery, because when I read it I see my true self. I hope you as my readers understand that I am holding nothing back. You are seeing the real me unfiltered. So thank you for assisting in my journey, and for being cheaper than a Shrink!